Calling Home Lyrics - Adam Sandler

1 I'm okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....

2 Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow

3 morning in the main gym for us freshmen

4 You playin?

5 It's a co-ed game, so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run

6 up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them

7 back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...

8 That could be nice

9 You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?

10 Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I'm all

11 situated here...

12 Good deal... I'll be in the bathroom whackin it

13 (phone dials and rings)

14 ...that's because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered

15 off, hello?

16 Hey mom, I'm at school, I'm all moved in, everything's great...

17 Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?

18 You mean left or right or... what do you mean?

19 What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?

20 There's, like, five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and

21 my roommate...

22 Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or

23 snort heroine?

24 I didn't ask him, mom...

25 Well, if he does, tell him you're not interested... Not because you're a

26 nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?)

27 Okay, ma, sounds good...

28 Yeah!

29 I gotta get goin, there's an orientation party that's mandatory for

30 freshmen to attend...

31 Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other

32 kids, you say 'hi, my name's Tyler, here's to a sweet first year at

33 college!'

34 Uh... okay...

35 You won't, but you should

36 I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...

37 You say hello! It'll take you two seconds! They're all at the dinner table

38 dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler's on the phone!

39 (background)

40 Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!

41 Woman:Who's on the phone?

42 Mom:Tyler, mom!

43 Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar!

44 Mom: Okay, here's your brother!

45 Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how's it hangin?

46 Not bad, Pete... It's pretty awesome here...

47 You gettin laid yet?

48 Nah, just unpacked...

49 But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few asses, right?

50 Nooo...

51 How's the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?

52 Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn't too bad, either..

53 they actually served chicken parmigian...

54 Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of

55 college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker?

56 I'll work on that...

57 DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we

58 figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause

59 Ronnie James Dio is playin up there...

60 Oh, okay...

61 Tell your roommate I got his bed

62 Uh, you can sleep in my bed

63 That's where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole!

64 Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!

65 Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred Einstein here, but

66 I'm a person too!

67 Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo?

68 Good, dad...

69 You enjoyin your freedom?

70 Yeah...

71 Don't get anyone pregnant...

72 I won't...

73 Okay... here's your grandma

74 Dad, I don't have time!

75 Dad:Say hello, there...

76 Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?

77 Pete:No grandma, it's the pharmacy

78 Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts

79 come in? Cause, like, we're talkin about they're starting to spread

80 towards the anus...

81 Pete:Hahahahaha!

82 Grandma, it's not Dimitri, it's Tyler...

83 Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren't you here? We're getting ready to eat!

84 Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school...

85 Oh, how marvelous! Well, don't study too much or you'll drive yourself

86 bananas! Take some time for yourself too

87 Thanks, grandma, I will

88 College is supposed to be fun!

89 Yeah...

90 I had my first gal on gal experience in college!

91 Ooh...

92 Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me!

93 That's nice, grandma...

94 Alright, don't pierce your nipples!

95 I won't...

96 Pete:You didn't know grandma dyked out before, did ya?

97 No, fortunately she never told me...

98 Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat!

99 Thanks...

100 Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello!

101 (fart)

102 Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?

103 Yeah, nice job...

104 Four straight seconds! Let's hear you rip one that long!

105 I can't...

106 Damn right, you can't! Cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid

107 books! You're either born with it or you're not!

108 Yeah, you got the magic...

109 (doorbell)

110 Hold on a second, dildo, someone's at the door...

111 I can't hold on, I have to go!

112 Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!

113 (Door opens)

114 You gotta be kidding me....

115 Man:Hello, there...

116 Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here?

117 Bernie:I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week

118 Dad:That's not my drill, Bernie!

119 Bernie:Well, I guess it's mine! May I eat now?

120 Mom:Oh, that's why you came over...

121 Bernie:Yes...

122 Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair from the closet!

123 Pete:Why can't grandma?

124 Dad:Just do it!

125 Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how's your health?

126 Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I'm fine... knock on wood!

127 Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!

128 Grandma:True dat!

129 (Everyone laughs)

130 Hello? I have to go!!!

131 Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don't crush that big hog of yours!

132 Bernie:Pardon me?

133 Pete:I said Tyler's on the horn from college

134 Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone smell so

135 bad?

136 Pete:I dunno... I didn't fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped herself...

137 Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it's Mr. Fetterman!

138 Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin?

139 Do you have a roommate, Tyler?

140 Yeah, I do...

141 I must speak to him immediately

142 He's in the bathroom...

143 Go get him and bring him to me, now!

144 Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon!

145 Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your

146 bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What's up?

147 Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?

148 Yeah, sure... Hello?

149 Bernie: Hello to you, my friend!

150 Who dis?

151 The question isn't who I am, the question is who are you?

152 Um... What does that mean?

153 It means you can't escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler

154 into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to

155 your leader?

156 Uh... Come again?

157 What is your real name? Where do you hail from?

158 Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island...

159 How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made

160 in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!

161 Really?

162 I know this because I too have radar!

163 I see...

164 We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice

165 is yours...

166 Umm... I'll go with not difficult...

167 Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the

168 pidgeons, so that's not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender

169 in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!

170 Did not say you were...

171 Let's call it a truce, or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it! Either

172 way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?

173 Oh, I get it... I'm on the radio!

174 Then the message has been sent!

175 Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon...

176 Brandon:Nice talkin to yall!

177 Bernie:Die, alien!

178 Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude...

179 Brandon:Not a problem!

180 Tyler:Don't worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control

181 I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery

182 pack, that'll take him out of the game...

183 Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...

184 Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright?

185 Yeah, I'll remember that...

186 Nancy!

187 Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new

188 pussy friends!

189 I will...

190 Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!

191 Mom:Stop cursing!

192 Pete:I wasn't, mom!

193 Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls...

194 Pete:Right away, mom...

195 Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?

196 Yeah, I did, mom...

197 Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it...

198 I will..

199 Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room

200 Call ya? It's probly gonna be late, ma!

201 That's no problem, we'll all wait up, bye bye! (click)

202 Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes...

203 Nobodys is!

204 What, your family's a little nutty also?

205 Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let em know

206 I'm okay...

207 You got it, I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out

208 Dee Snyder...

209 Good deal...(dialing and ringing)

210 Gay Robot: Hello?

211 Hey dad!

212 Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?

213 I'm workin on it

214 Well, when you do, I'll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers!

215 You're too horny, dad!

216 True dat!

217 Hahahahaha

218 Hahahahaha

219 Good times...

220 Great times...